How do you tell a man

You want to sleep with him? Especially if you vowed to both of you, you'd never sleep with him again if your life depended on it? Is it weak? "Of course it is" you tell yourself as you remember the way he came in and out your life quicker than a pop up in Boxpark. You fell for all his bullshit, he took you for TGI's and the occasional outing. But that was it. And for some reason, you were completely hooked. So why do we do it to ourselves? The sex was ok, he was nothing spectacular but every now and then you get pangs for them. But as soon as you're done with them you're filled with regret and remorse. So it's easier to watch youporn and have a cup of tea. 

If you're reading this Mr, you're a fucking moron. But I still would. 

The Grand National.

I went the Grand National once, maybe twice as a kid. From what I can remember it rained like there was no tomorrow and it got called off. There was no glamour to my attire either. I wore a skirt and tshirt with little plimsoles. I was 8 and a tomboy. Irene insisted I wore the skirt. We had sandwiches in tin foil and Capri Suns a plenty. No champagne or nibbles. As Liverpool became a more wealthy city, the outfits got more glam. By 2008 it was Blossom Hill, maxi dresses from Kirsty Doyle and clutches from Cricket. 

I worked in Primark for over 2 years (don't pity me, we had a BALL) and every ladies day without fail, 5pm would roll around and the prinnys in 6 inch heels would all hobble in to the store screechin about how they needed a pair of flip flops "raaaar now". It was brilliant. Bladdered in the queue on our floor, "Ashleeeeey!!! 'Old me clutch while I change me shoes pleeeeeease?!" "Who wants to go for a Teesooo's? Am proper staaaaaarvin". There'd be "merder" if there was no size 5s left. Devvod cos there's only "pure man sizes" left. I loved ladies day. I finished at 7pm and walked through Liverpool One with a Starbucks an a ciggy just people watching all the way to the 79 bus stop on Paradise Street. Every now and then there'd be a couple avin merder cos Jay looked at some slag in the queue for the HSBC cash machine on Church Street. "Eeeeee ya did a saaaaw ya doneven lie ya little sweat" but mostly it was just loads of people from all Liverpool and all over the North West avin an absolute ball. Demi Lee an Kelsey buzzin off the fact they caught a glimpse of Coleen and Alex from afar. 

I'd recommend it to anyone that skits the girls cos of what they've seen on The Daily Mail Online. Cos if you went you'd actually have fun. And if you need some pencil for them understated eyebrows, they'd be more than happy to help. 

I preferred to get the Echo with me mum and dad around 11am Saturday mornin an sit there pickin me horse in front of Live & Kicking. Watch it on telly then moan I hadn't won until Noel's House Party was on an I'd buzz off Mr Blobby. I'm the same now. I just watch it on telly but instead fume until payday.

Every year I think "them people who live in them houses over looking the race course are dead lucky. They get to be on telly once a year." In Primark we would do a sweepstake. This entailed us picking horses for each other based on its relevant name. Like I said, we had a ball....that wasn't the funniest thing to happen there though. The funniest was when the manager of the stock room fell over. He was fine like. But he went down like a sack of shit. 

Why is it,

An I'm not bein a proper feminist or nothin but why is it when ya ask a fella if you wanna go for a drink together, they automatically think you mean a date? No wonder everyone in London is so miserable, it's cos whenever they try an make friends they get the whole "I've got a boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. Get a grip! It's a drink, I'm not asking you to finger me on the Central Line. Bring your other half by all means an we can all be bezzies! A lot of men in the past have assumed I fancy them because I'm quite a vivacious character. But introduce me to the missus and I promise she will love me. And not in a weird threesome way either. I'm not interested in my own sex life so I probably won't care much for yours either. The only relationship I have is with Fake Taxi. And YouPorn. 

I think I've opened up a bit too much there, I'm digressing....

.....Sometimes it works the other way. They quite enjoy the fact they think it's a date and you don't fancy them back.  In this situation you have to just immediately friend zone them. You don't wanna sit on their face, but you don't mind havin them about. But the awkward part is actually letting them down without makin a show of them.Ya call them "lad" or "mate". Just so ya lettin them know where they stand without bein a nob about it. I remember goin on a 3rd mate date with someone an I turned up at his flat and he'd poured 2 glasses of white wine, dimly lit the room and had his best Zara top on. I was in a Libertines t shirt and leggings. I declined the wine and got one of me best mates to come pick me up. He text me when I got in saying "Nice to see you mate". The penny dropped quicker than a beaked up prinnys knickers at the back of The Fudge. 

So I guess making friends can be awkward at first but it's funny when you look back and laugh at them, while they stare miserably at Ibiza Weekender pretending to be fine about it. "Ay remember when you pure fancied me an I swerved ya?" I think you have to have fireworks with a person in The Ten Bells pretending to give a shit about their job in  Angel and their Spanish housemate who uses all the milk without replacing it. And how could we forget the fallen ones? Let's just have a moment to remember the ones who didn't even get friend zoned. The ones who never made it past the first date. Whether it's because they wore chinos and a blazer to an East End boozer, or because they took you to a restaurant that didn't have cranberry juice or straws. They never got a second chance. 

The most recent example is when I saw this fella who wore the clothes mentioned above and had the chronic burps. He did it politely but we could all smell it. Poor bastard. 

And of course the ones who will never get a first date because they support Man Utd and love to gloat about it over Whatsapp knowing that you're from Liverpool. Keep trying babe but it's never going to happen.