Saturday 30 May 2015

When You're The Odd One Out

I'm watching films that remind me of me youth tonight. I've watched Clueless and now I'm on She's All That. 

Most girls I went to school with are married with kids. I can't even commit to a mobile phone contract for more than 2 years. Most girls I know will be cosied up in bed tonight with their man, having amazing sex and watching Netflix together, feeding each other Papa Johns and having an amazing time. In fact, 2 couples I know are SO in love, they got married today! Congratulations! I'm currently picking hairs out my chin and picking my nose with a tooth pick. 

I've started questioning my lack of ability to sustain a man. Is it the fact I can be too lazy? Too clingy? Is it because I'm annoying? Or is it because they can't handle how beautiful I am? The first three obviously. Sonia Jackson has found love, as has Mick Hucknall. I feel if there is hope for these people, then my time must be soon surely? 

Maybe not. Maybe, I'm not meant to settle down. I'm a fast paced lady with a taste for excitement and vigour. I am the sort of girl who walks round East Ham at all hours getting followed by groups of lads in cars who are constantly asking me if I'm ok. I'm the sort of girl who chain smokes and drinks vodka, calls you a cunt, thinks she's hilarious and whimsical when she's wasted, cooks in a bra, heels and leggings and thinks farts are hilarious. Can you imagine me having a baby? I couldn't face the baggy fanny. And I most certainly don't want a Caesarean:-I've seen Alien where that creature comes out her belly. Can you imagine me being responsible enough to sort out my kids shit? Schools and that? Oh no, I'll baby sit my mates kids anytime, but the moment it starts screaming I'm leaving it on their doorstep. 


Paul Walker got better with age.  . 

Thursday 21 May 2015

Sick.

I'm sick. Not in the  "Spend my lunch money in the local Chicken Shop after school", cool and trendy way. The ill way. (I live by two secondary schools and a high street. You should see it at 4pm...They put years on me. Though I have been called "bruv" by this youth by mine. Blonde, earring, cap to the side and toothpick. Looked like one of them from Blazin Squad. He was offering me a weight loss programme offer and I told him I had previously lost 4 and a half stone to which he replied "SMASHED IT BRUV" and snapped his fingers. I felt ever so youthful that day.) 

I am in bed with my Everton top on. I have had a stomach bug for 2 days. The weight I've lost is phenomenal. Tho I don't advise you start getting the shits off your mate because Zante with the girls is approaching. Today, after sicking up everything I had, wishing I had an extra pair of hands to hold my Mick Hucknall strewn mess back. (Strangely enough Martine McCutcheon was sick into his dreads after a night out in the West End. When I was sick after a night out in the West End I had my assistant manager from The Bookies where I work-ahem to hold back my hair. Soho at night is not as glam as it looks in OK! and heat magazines.) 

I turn into a little victim when I'm ill. I just want Netflix and cuddles. Just someone's chest to lean on while I fart myself into oblivion. So I need someone really, who's got decent wifi a good sense of humour and a bad sense of smell. Granted he has to look like Paul Walker or Ryan Dunn. Not on fire in a car, but coincidentally they are (or were) 2 of my most perfect men. I just want to sit off and chill.

I've made my bedroom proper cute and my beds like a den with the fairy lights on. WHERE'S ME MATES? Come bring goodies! I'll leave the room to fart I promise! 

Wednesday 20 May 2015

Ex.

When going through your list of exes, do you find yourself saying "yeah I still would"? Some of you might be like me, friends and on good terms with some of them. You may have had your quarrels in the past but you were kids then. Things don't work out. You have separate lives and separate plans for life...but every few years, something keeps bringing you back together for one night of filth. Some exes are meant to be your best mate. That's it. No sex, no lust, just friendship.You're compatible everywhere else but in bed. Everything that you once found attractive and sexy about that person now seems obsolete. Your palette changes and you find you now find muscles, joggers and hoodies attractive rather than skinny jeans and converse. Me? Dunno what you're talking about, I mean in theory... But every now and then it's easier to stick to what you know, rather than the awkwardness of another first date with another online date. Only to get it out your system, mind. I'm not for one minute suggesting you consider getting back with an ex. Cos let's face it, they're an ex for a reason. But we all have needs. And if you're at the right stage with that ex then why not? A quick fuck is not a cue for you reminiscing about the cute 3 months you spent together as teens. Sex is sex. Save the romance bollocks for someone who deserves it and wants to spend time with you, even after he's emptied his load.  Someone who WANTS you to cook for him, fuss over him and stay in bed together with Netflix and a smoke. They deserve the sexy undies, the cute texts and wifey stuff. Be patient.